Poem, dumb

...welcome to the meta world

I'm operating in order to operate
I'm speaking in order to speak
Typing  in order to form words
speak speak, it's just another form of form
of words that can be heard or read
eat, sleep sex work sex norm
i am living a life that is normal
as a person who feels abnormal
this is normal ok?
I am telling myself to tell myself that
this is normal ok?  ok?
as I think about thinking about
how far I fall short
of normal or sane
as I look back on this life lived as I am living it
as i check box scores
check my ratings
my self assessments
my satisfaction scores
I am no good
not as good as i hoped to be
i am defining the good
and the good is beyond the words
beyond the forms of the words to be
beyond the re-measurables
the sharpness of the blade
the tensile strength
the finitude the wins above average
the counting and the grouping of numbers
it all hinges on that
it's a constant battle, a lifelong WAR
i have tried and trued and this is no good
and this is all there is

the villains steal the
money and get away with it
I have stolen a life
once, whisper whisper, don't tell
I show up and show up and showed up
i will show up
and make amends
and make it all right
I will be present
every day for rounds for work
for the next case, the person in a room
the place that some would call a room
while others would say it's just a place that is called a room
where i am
i am there to be there
i am here to be there to have been there
I am looking in a mirror
and seeing myself in that room
in this place
and this becomes the narrative
the recurring motif
with this person in a bed
seeing myself looking in a mirror seeing myself
seeing a person grimacing
myself, this person in a bed
looking
trying
my friend
trying my best to be
this good friend
this good form
a good man
ok?
who was a friend
trying to be good
who was a man
who looked for a friend
who saw a man who was himself

11/4/19