God Complex
My glutes are nobody’s business
I’m everything I purport to hate
Trees are not property. Nor the stone nor the
The rushing winds.
Look you’re a man now
And I haven’t finished
Telling you everything I know.
Only one tree is left
The others have been evicted
Absence pending appeal.
When you come back here
Someday you’ll find
I never stopped trying.
In a way we’re all biding our time
Waiting for the great technological breakthrough
That obviates the necessity of our own lives.
In my dream home the staircases
Are all spirals. Straight up, straight down
Curving round and round
Until I’m just where I started
Only higher or lower.
When the pilot light goes out
You can either call a professional
Or get down on your belly
In the haunted musty basement
And ignite it yourself.
The theme for Christmas this year
Is the O. Henry story
Where I suddenly become very lazy
In order to spend more time with you
While, unbeknownst to me, you
Take on a second job in order to afford
To take the certifying exam
That, if passed, will allow you
To come to the hospital and work
As my personal surgical assistant.
To salvage the holiday season,
I give up alcohol in order
To be on my best behavior
While you agree to laugh at all
My mean-spirited, unfunny jokes.
That woman will never be enough!
Says the woman who will never
Be entirely satisfied herself.
One teaspoon of total protein
Three pinches of the salt
That dries on the crook of your neck
After you’ve been working out.
On the down low I have been
Lifting some weights myself
Focusing on biceps and pecs
So I can overhear some kid say
Hey, he looks pretty good
For an old guy.
After hours of deep critical thinking
I have decided to save only the photographs
Of me taken in black and white.
If I start with geology
And then move on to higher maths
(While sprinkling in St Ambrose of Milan
With a spritz of Julian of Norwich)
I will have become the most interesting
Grandpa no one listens to, of all time.
I would have liked to have changed the world
For the good but
Nobody ever asked me that.
I would have said— just give me that chance!
Like a prodigal son whose
Father now suffers from dementia.
Then I could prove that failure
Is also a great redeemer.
Yessir, I take full responsibility
For everything that has happened
Lay your sins upon me
All is forgiven
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