poem

 Soccer Parent Glossary

If you are on the pitch and you hear someone say “good try” it means that trying was the only redeemable aspect to whatever the fuck it was you just did. You tried. Effort recognized. Congratulations. Everything else was crotch-rot terrible. If you hear “good idea” it means yeah that was a good idea I see what you were trying to do there but the execution was dogshit. Next time don’t botch it up like that. If you hear “good kick!” it means we’re all dealing with a moron over here on the sidelines. He played linebacker in high school. He thinks he’s being supportive. Sir, your son just kicked it the wrong way down the hill and now the ball is floating away in the creek. Like going to a swim meet and yelling “nice splash”. If you hear “come on let’s hustle!” it means you’re lollygagging around out there and there’s a 50/50 chance your dad is going to ice you out with the silent treatment on the drive home. If you hear “nice pass” it means you’re being acknowledged for not being a selfish ball hog prick. If you hear “pass the ball guys” it means someone is trying to shame the kid who just tried to clumsy dribble unsuccessfully through four defenders. If you hear “don’t give up” it means we can all see the defeat seared in your faces as you retrieve yet another ball from the back of the net, how you all just want it to be over so you can go home and play video games because it’s 11-0 and the other team’s parents are avoiding eye contact with us. If you hear “let’s pick it up!” it means we all hate you this sucks we could have been having mimosas after a couples tennis match at the club. If you hear “hey!” it means some parent is this close to running out on the pitch and knifing the kid who just fouled her little boy. If you hear “I was proud of you out there, you played well” you’re probably in the back seat of the car but you don’t really hear it because even though you controlled the midfield and scored your team’s only goal you missed a penalty kick that would have tied the game. If you hear “hang tough, there’s always the next game” it means your dad is trying to pass on the only non-phony wisdom he ever truly learned. If you hear “no matter what, I love you son” it means I love you son.  No matter what.

1/7/24